It Isn’t a Choice; It’s a Spectrum

You know how it goes. You go for years without meeting one openly bisexual woman and then it seems like they’re all over the place. Ironically, I didn’t encounter that many female bisexuals until after I got involved a few years ago with a young bisexual who was so deeply in the closet it was a wonder she was not covered with plaster. And it says something about my gaydar that no matter how many such women I meet, I’m usually the last to know unless they announce it out loud at our first encounter.

Of course, it could be argued that most bisexuals are just gay people in denial and I’m sure that for some such people, that’s actually true. However, you spend enough time listening to a woman talk about the troubles she has with both her ex-boyfriend and her ex-girlfriend and spend even more time with an openly bisexual woman who talks more about child custody arrangements than gay marriage and you realize it’s not always that simple.

It’s not that I believe all gay people have a choice. Indeed, it’s obvious from history that many gay people would have as hard a time pretending not to be attracted to the same sex as most heterosexuals like myself would have pretending not to be attracted to the opposite sex. And no matter how many attempts at conversion are directed their way, that’s not likely to change.

But it’s also fairly obvious that many people are fairly flexible when it comes to the gender of their sex partner. And ironically, the very social openness that makes it so comfortable for so many die-hard homosexuals to come out of the closet also makes it possible for bisexuals to come out as well.

Perhaps the whole issue of sexual orientation was best summed up in an old Ellen episode in which Ellen’s attraction to an old boyfriend was explained as her being part of a spectrum with people who were one hundred percent homosexual on one end, people who were one hundred percent heterosexual on the other, and Ellen somewhere in-between. It could be argued that the bisexual women I have encountered are also somewhere in the middle of the spectrum.

I can see why many people would have a problem with this. The Christian Right would prefer that only one end of the spectrum exist and of course, gay rights activists find it easier to fight attempts at conversion and discrimination by arguing that it isn’t a choice. And as I noted above, in a sense they’re right. It isn’t a choice -- for some. For others, however, it is. Anyway, the most moral question involved in gay rights should not be whether or not homosexuality is a choice but whether or not it is “bad” enough to deserve sanction or punishment. I don't believe it is and I don't see why we spend so much time as a society pretending otherwise when there are so many serious crimes out there that could use a bit of the attention we focus toward homosexuality.

Ideally, the matter of sexual orientation should be treated like the matter of religious belief; if it neither picks my pockets nor breaks my leg nor causes any harm to an innocent, it should make no difference which gender my neighbor chooses to sleep with. Moreover, it shouldn’t matter whether my neighbor’s choice of gender in sex partner is voluntary or involuntary. There are so many incidents in which people afflict actual physical harm onto other people that I’m surprised we spend so much time on an issue like this in which people do not get hurt.

This doesn’t mean that I approve of the bisexual man who cheats on his wife or the gay pedophile who preys on innocent kids. I like to think it goes without saying that certain deeds are not worth defending, no matter what the sexual orientation of the person who commits them.

But the person who seeks only love and companionship from another consenting adult and who has no desire to harm another person -- either physically or emotionally -- that person should be free to choose his or her own beloved, no matter what the gender of the would-be beloved might be. And if that choice interferes with the philosophy of another person, well, said person doesn’t have to emulate said choice if he or she does not wish to.